MLS Update: Eastern Conference Movers And Shakers, FC Dallas (Frowny Face)

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DC United (W10-L6-D3) 33pts

Squad report: D.C. United has had a few matchdays off, and they forgot to show up to the one they did have. Last Monday, Bill Hamid was red-carded which set off a nightmare game for United, who at the time were leading the Eastern Conference. They lost 4-0 including the penalty given up by Hamid and another conceded by Danny Cruz.

They’ve now had plenty of time to sit and stew in the aftermath of that lopsided loss.

Up next: DCU takes on Columbus, who aren’t exactly setting the league on fire.

Sporting Kansas City (W11-L6-D3) 36pts

Squad report: Sporting Kansas City looks is firing on all cylinders – much like they were at the start of the season – or so it appeared until they had a man sent off in their midweek match against the Houston Dynamo and couldn’t keep Calen Carr from scoring. Twice. While SKC still leads the East,

Up next: The New England Revolution, Kansas City’s Saturday opponent are near the bottom of the table, but pesky midfielder Lee Nguyen and crew are never completely out of it.

Houston Dynamo (W8-L5-D7) 24pts

Squad Report: Don’t look now, but the Dynamo are on a bit of a tear. After taking advantage of a shorthanded DCU last week, they did the same to Kansas City and are on a two-match winning streak. They’re also unbeaten in their last five. Calen Carr’s brace helped signal that somebody other than Will Bruin is starting to score for the team. First there was the romp over DC, which saw goals from plenty of places, and then Carr’s brace.

Some potentially bad news for the club is Geoff Cameron’s transfer to Stoke City is nearly complete, so they’ll lose the talented center back/sometimes holding mid.

Up next: Houston will attempt to keep their streak going when they take on the expansion Montreal Impact.

FC Dallas (W4-L10-D7) 15pts

Squad Report: FC Dallas is depressing. I don’t want to talk about it.

OK, they finally got a win, snapping a 13-game winless streak with a victory against Colorado. Then, they played the San Jose Earthquakes, the best team in the league (in the table, at least, and probably in form too). They were down 2-0 before a stoppage time goal gave them some hope. Then, lo and behold, FC Dallas earned a penalty kick. Who steps up to take this potentially match-tying kick? Jair Benitez. Who is a defender. A defender who kicked the ball over the crossbar in the 94th minute to drop the road point.

Up next: Gah, who even gives a **** at this point?

Fine. Fine. They’re playing Portland and if somebody wins then that team is no longer last place in the conference. Can I go now?